I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
