just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
