I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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