Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
