my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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