I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
