JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
