i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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