Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
