She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
