I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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