She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Someone shattered a urinal.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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