I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis