I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
