Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
