and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
