we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
