just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
