I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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