They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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