soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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