too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
