I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
