apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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