So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What a dumb baby whore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
