He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
