Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Two words: blizzard sex
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
