im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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