he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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