If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
