Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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