The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
bring money and cleavage
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
