i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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