After last night, I could never be a politician.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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