i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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