Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
