paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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