i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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