apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
