guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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