it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
