I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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