i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize