my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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