Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
