Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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