Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Congratulations! We have a period
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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