I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I fill condoms, not promises.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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