I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
