there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Text me some of your sweat
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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