The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
