oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
